This Week in Douchebaggery: Coast-to-Coast

SACRAMENTO -- Ron Artest will be arraigned on Thursday, meaning he'll plead Guilty or Not Guilty to charges of beating the shit out of his wife. Perhaps this distracted him last night as the Kings blew a 7-point 4th Quarter lead and lost at home to the Timberwolves, but he has been playing better since the incident. This is the fifth time now that police have been called out to his Sacramento home due to a "spousal dispute" (who knows how many teams a "spousal dispute" didn't lead to a 9-1-1 call), not to mention the Sacramento police taking away Ron Artest's dog due to negligence.

When asked how he's handling the situation at home, Artest responded "Once the schedule clears up, I'll be able to do things." The "schedule" he's referring to is the Sacramento Kings, battling to make up ground on the Clippers and Warriors for the final playoff spot in the West (or, in other words, they're 3 games back from the opportunity to get swept by the Mavericks).

So what do we know about Ron Artest? He beats his wife. He hates dogs. He's willing to take time off from his professional career to work on producing a rap album, but he's not willing to take time off to try and piece together the shattered remnants of his broken family.

Ron Artest, King of the Douchebags.


TUCSON -- Kerry Wood and Mark Prior will start the season on the DL again. Yes, I know, sorry if you spit out your coffee reading that tidbit.

When was the last time both these guys were healthy? Let's play a little game, was it before or after?:

1) The Red Sox and/or White Sox ended their drought
2) We invaded Iraq the first time
3) We invaded Iraq the second time
4) Tinker, Evers and Chance were the Cubs infield
5) Lincoln was shot
6) Dinosaurs roamed the Earth (trick question if you're Carl Everett)

Cubs fans and management will be in denial, saying that Prior and Wood are merely luxuries at this point on a talented team. But it's time they let go of these douchebags and move on with life.


WEST PALM BEACH -- Tony LaRussa might be a genius at utilizing the double-switch, but he's a moron when it comes to driving buzzed.

LaRussa fell asleep at a stoplight in his SUV, leaving the vehicle in drive, but luckily falling asleep with his foot on the brake. When the cops questioned him, he blew a 0.093 on the breathalizer. 0.093? What a pussy. What is that, like a six-pack of Zima? I know guys who can drink five times that and still be coherent enough to drive home safe and sound. Hell, Billy Martin led the Yankees to the '77 pennant with an average BAC of 0.25 at any point during the season.

Regardless, it's always good to see a self-aggrandizing douchebag like Tony LaRussa get into trouble.

In a related story, Khalif Barnes thinks the KKK slipped something in LaRussa's drink.