Broken Tackle's Weekend Wrap-Up

Some other things that we learned this weekend outside of never sucker punch Tony Soprano...

1) Ah, springtime. Flowers are blooming. Birds are singing. Bees are trying to have sex with them (as is our understanding). And baseball season is underway. The only problem is, mother nature and global warming don't want to cooperate.

For those who still don't believe in global warming (we're looking at you, Utah, Kentucky and George W. Bush)... we present Exhibit A: Jacob's Field in April looking like Jacob's Field during the second ice age. And Exhibit B: Elijah Dukes rounds third base in a game in Yankee Stadium looking like Nanook of the North on his way to rob a train station.

It would appear that Al Gore might have a point.


2) Dwyane Wade returned last night, but the Heat dropped a tough one to the cellar-dwelling Bobcats, pretty much destroying their chance at home-court advantage in a first round series. Meanwhile, the Lakers fell to the Suns, dropping them to the 7th seed out West. And the Toronto Raptors pile-drived the Bulls, pulling them within striking distance of the 2nd seed in the East. NBA playoff seeding fever!


3) On the final day of the NHL regular season, the New York Islanders needed a shoot-out victory over the Devils to clinch the Eastern Conference 8th seed over the Toronto Maple Leafs. This is, of course, a great day for Americans who hate Canadians (especially Americans who give a crap about hockey), as the Islanders join teams from Tampa, Atlanta, Nashville and San Jose in this year's playoffs; while traditional Canadian powerhouses from Montreal, Toronto and Edmonton will be forced to watch the playoffs from home (assuming Canada carries the Versus network). The Islanders reward? Probably a first-round sweep at the hands of the Buffalo Sabres. More on the NHL playoffs later this week.

Broken Tackle's NBA Mock Draft, Vol. 1

For the first time in over a decade, this year's NCAA Tournament doubled as an opportunity to scout almost all the top prospects in this year's NBA draft. With the will-he-or-won't-he rumors flying about all the underclassmen deciding whether or not to remain in school, and NBA teams tanking left and right to jockey for lottery position, this will be the most rudimentary and disjointed of all the mock drafts.

So, in all likelihood, it will probably end up being the most accurate.

1. Memphis Grizzlies - Greg Oden, C, Ohio State (Fr). Was already the consensus #1 ahead of Durant before blowing the doors off the national title game. If he pans out, he's the best center prospect since Shaq. At worst, he's a more athletic Robert Parish. (NBA comparison: Godzilla, if he learned to dribble and box out. I'm not talking about any NBA player nicknamed "Godzilla" I'm talking about the actual giant skyscraper-destroying lizard).

2. Boston Celtics - Kevin Durant, F, Texas (Fr). Holding the #2 spot in the draft this year will be a win-win situation for the lucky lottery runner-up. Not only are you guaranteed Oden or Durant, you can let the team ahead of you make the tough decision. (NBA comparison: Kevin Garnett with a jump shot).

3. Milwaukee Bucks - Corey Brewer, G/F, Florida (Jr). Brewer (or, to a lesser extent, Jeff Green) would be a dream come true for the Bucks, a team ready to contend now with Terri Stotts collecting unemployment and the team getting healthy. Brewer (a surname any red-blooded Milwaukee-an can appreciate and love) can step in immediately and perfectly complement Michael Redd. (NBA comparison: slightly shorter Lamar Odom).

4. Phoenix Suns - Al Horford, F, Florida (Sr). It really is unfair that the loaded Suns get this pick from Atlanta, but what can you do, the Hawks are idiots. The Suns are in the market for more bodies inside, and outside of Oden, Horford is the most NBA ready big man in the draft class, both physically and mentally. (NBA comparison: Zach Randolph minus the douchebagginess).

5. Charlotte Bobcats - Jeff Green, F, Georgetown (Jr). It's been hit-or-miss for the Bobcats picking high the past few years. Some would argue the 'Cats should take Green's teammate Hibbert and plug him in right away, but I don't think Jordan is interested in an old-school plodding center. Jordan likes scoring, and even though Green helped eliminate his Tar Heels in the tourney, expect to go after the guy on the board with a high basketball IQ who can score at will. (NBA comparison: do-it-all Josh Howard).

6. Philadelphia 76ers - Brandan Wright, F, North Carolina (Fr). It's no secret the Sixers need help pretty much everywhere on the floor, but especially in the post and at the point. Wright could arguably use another year in school, but he has arguably the biggest upside in the draft outside of Oden and Durant and this young Sixers team can afford to incubate some talent. (NBA comparison: calm and lanky Chris Bosh).

7. Portland Trail Blazers - Joakim Noah, F, Florida (Jr). Think of this as a pick based partly on public relations as well as talent. Noah isn't the best basketball player on the board, but he's selfless, he's hard-working, he's experienced, he's clutch and even though he seems like a douche, he also seems like a good kid who won't cause any problems. Basically he's the kind of guy who wouldn't take the time during his bereavement leave to visit a strip club. (NBA comparison: Anderson Varejao mixed with Tyson Chandler and beaten with an ugly stick).

8. Seattle Supersonics - Julian Wright, F, Kansas (So). Ideally, the Sonics would love for Green or Brewer to slip to them in this spot. Barring that, they could easily take a flier on Wright, who will potentially fill in for the departing Rashard Lewis. Wright needs another year of school after disappearing in the tournament, but the Sonics might as well draft another project after wasting last year's pick on Saer Sene. (NBA comparison: well... Rashard Lewis).

9. Sacramento Kings - Yi Jianlian, F/C, China. I'm not going to pretend to know anything about this guy. If the Kings have balls, they'll draft Mike Conley to light a fire under Mike Bibby's ass (he actually reminds me a little of Bibby when he came out of school). But that's doubtful. (NBA comparison: um. Yao Ming?).

10. Minnesota Timberwolves - Spencer Hawes, C, Washington (Fr). Keep in mind Kevin McHale still runs the T-Wolves and he's still an idiot. Hawes was a bit underwhelming this year, failing to lead Washington to the NCAA Tournament. But he's big and somewhat skilled so some moron GM will fall for him. (NBA comparison: pick a white center, any white center. Let's go with Nenad Krstic and call it a day).

11. Chicago Bulls (from New York) - Mike Conley, G, Ohio State (Fr). The Bulls could really use a big man in this spot, but with all the top post prospects taken ahead of them, they'll potentially be smart enough to grab Conley when they have the chance. He certainly doesn't fill a need on the team, but the Bulls have been good lately at trading spare parts when they need to. (NBA comparison: a more explosive Mike Bibby).

12. Atlanta Hawks (from Indiana) - Acie Law, G, Texas A&M (Sr). Could picking a little lower than usual mean the Hawks don't royally fuck up their pick for once? It's pretty likely picking 12th that either Conley, Law or Ty Lawson will be available at this point, and the PG-deprived Hawks could use any of those players. (NBA comparison: Chauncey Billups).

13. Detroit Pistons (from Orlando) - Al Thornton, F, Florida State (Sr). Thornton is being derived as a "tweener" but he can instantly come off the bench and contribute scoring and defensive intensity for the Pistons. (NBA comparison: Andre Iguodala).

14. New Orleans Hornets - Nick Young, G/F, USC (Jr). With Paul running the floor, the Hornets need to get more athletic on the wing and Young will be an instant boost with his polished mid-range game. Hopefully Peja Stojakovic doesn't injure his fingers calling Young to welcome him to the team. (NBA comparison: Caron Butler).

15. New Jersey Nets - Tiago Splitter, F, Spain. The Nets have had success with one foreigner inside (Krstic, when he's healthy) so don't be surprised if they take a chance on another one, who's supposedly NBA ready mentally and physically, especially defending and rebounding. (NBA comparison: a soft Chris Wilcox).

16. Golden State Warriors - Josh McRoberts, F, Duke (So). Donnie Nelson loves the big guys who can get up-and-down the floor and McRoberts is one of those guys. Unfortunately he doesn't bring much else to the table. But he's above average athletically and somebody is going to fall for his "upside." (NBA comparison: Charlie Villanueva).

17. Los Angeles Clippers - Ty Lawson, G, North Carolina (Fr). I probably shouldn't deliberate on this one much, because it would be the steal of the draft and it isn't terribly likely to happen. The only knock on Lawson is his lack of size. The Clippers need a PG in the worst way. (NBA comparison: Baron Davis).

18. Philadelphia 76ers (from Denver) - Darren Collison, G, UCLA (So). Another potential steal for the Sixers. Similar to Lawson, the only knock on Collison is his small stature, but he's blossomed into a terrific pure PG. Could use another year in school to develop his scoring. (NBA comparison: Andre Miller).

19. Los Angeles Lakers - Chase Budinger, G, Arizona (Fr). A young slasher who can light up the scoreboard off the bench subbing in for Kobe. Another guy who could use another year in school to develop his overall game and earn lottery money in '08, but will probably declare like an idiot anyway. (NBA comparison: J.R. Smith).

20. Washington Wizards - Hasheem Thabeet, C, Connecticut (Fr). Considered a top prospect coming into the year, hasn't done much to maintain that status. Could shoot up the draft with some solid workouts, but the Wizards would love to have the raw project fall to them here. (NBA comparison: Marcus Camby).

21. Miami Heat - Thaddeus Young, F, Georgia Tech (Fr). The Heat can afford to stick with the best player on the board, in this case that's the young project from Tech. His athleticism is off the charts but he hasn't developed much of a game yet. (NBA comparison: low rent Shawn Marion).

22. Charlotte Bobcats (from Toronto) - Ante Tomic, C, Croatia. After taking the NBA ready Green with their first pick, the Bobcats can afford to take a waiver on this second pick. Tomic is your typical European big man, he'll need a couple years before coming to the NBA to underachieve and plod around. (NBA comparison: pick a failed European big man. Shouldn't be tough).

23. New York Knicks (from Chicago) - Rodney Stuckey, G, Eastern Washington (So). Oh, Isaiah, how you continue to entertain us with your personnel decisions. Actually, Thomas has done a decent job of drafting for the Knicks so for once let's pretend he over-reaches for an oversized PG who scores a lot. (NBA comparison: all the score-first combo guards the Knicks have wasted time on the last few years. Or Ben Gordon, I guess).

24. Phoenix Suns (from Cleveland) - Marc Gasol, C, Spain. The unfairness continues as the Suns take their second pick of the first round. They can obviously afford a project, and Pau Gasol's little brother might be worth taking a chance. (NBA comparison: imagine Pau Gasol, if he was less talented, less bearded, younger and named Marc).

25. Houston Rockets - Derrick Byars, G/F, Vanderbilt (Sr). Byars played himself into the first round with a terrific NCAA Tournament performance to follow up his SEC POY title. (NBA comparison: Stephen Jackson. In a good way).

26. Detroit Pistons - Nicolas Batum, G, France. Like the Suns, the Pistons have a glut of first round picks and can afford to take some foreigner. (NBA comparison: Michael Finley, only wearing a beret and chewing on a baguette with a cigarette languidly resting between the middle and index fingers of his right hand).

27. Utah Jazz - Arron Afflalo, G, UCLA (Jr). Afflalo really needs to get back to school after another rough Final 4 appearance. But if he enters the draft, he'd be a good fit for the Jazz, who need to develop an athletic wingman that can defend. Could also go with Alando Tucker here. (NBA comparison: Raja Bell).

28. San Antonio Spurs - Glen Davis, F, LSU (Jr). "Big Baby" fell off the radar as LSU struggled in the SEC this season. He's undersized, but he's smart and strong and could fill in nicely off the bench for Duncan. (NBA comparison: Sean May).

29. Phoenix Suns - Marcus Williams, G, Arizona (So). A perfect fit on the Suns, an oversized guard who can move without the ball and hit open jumpers, and relies on his athleticism on defense. Will thrive on the floor with Nash. (NBA comparison: Quentin Richardson).

30. Philadelphia 76ers (from Dallas) - Tyler Hansbrough, F, North Carolina (So). Hansbrough actually saw his stock drop after staying in school, but another year really would help. He lacks NBA athleticism but might be able to make up for it with his work ethic. (NBA comparison: Udonis Haslem)

Dwyane Wade's Punk Rock Journey

Here's the thing about Dwyane Wade. He's not punk rock. He's also not not punk rock.

This concept may or may not make sense. But we'll get back to that in a minute.

Wade returned to practice yesterday for the first time since dislocating his shoulder about six weeks ago, and is expected to return to game action before the regular season ends on April 18th.

As Mark Twain would likely remark if he were alive today, "The reports of the Heat's demise were greatly exaggerated." And he would probably add: "Someone please deliberate to me posthaste the origin of this blinking box containing movable type! Com-poo-ter? What in the sam hill?" Or something like that.

This could be the last chance for this ever-so-short Heat dynasty, as Shaq is not nearly the force he used to be, the supporting cast needs to be reloaded and Pat Riley may soon be giving way to Billy "Dunn-a-von" as head coach and GM. Who in the East can stop a healthy Wade and Shaq? Probably not the Pistons, Bulls or Cavs, that's for sure. In other words, try not to sprain your ankle hopping back on the Heat championship bandwagon.

But.

To further the point about Dwyane Wade not being punk rock. He's also not not punk rock. Wade is somewhere in the middle, a pure spirit probably influenced by his abundance of casual time spent with Shaquille O'Neal. (Shaq is decidedly punk rock. About 96% punk rock. Giving yourself nicknames is not punk rock, and yet Shaq somehow pulls it off. He's just that unmistakably punk rock).

The NBA culture is funny these days. In the minds of much of society, the stars of the NBA are a personification for the frightening ne'er-do-well underground culture of hip-hop America. Yet most major NBA stars are either prudent Madison Avenue brokers (Lebron James, Kevin Garnett), eccentric goof-balls (Gilbert Arenas, Dwight Howard... some call this class of players punk rock, but it's in that sporadic sense, like when people call Sonic Youth a punk band), really tall dorks (Tim Duncan, Dirk Nowitzki), posers (Carmelo Anthony, Vince Carter) or negligibly batshit insane sociopaths (Ron Artest, Zach Randolph).

These are not the kids you thought were cool in high school.

Imagine if a Martian came down to Earth and asked you to summarize Kobe Bryant in two sentences or less. Could you do it without using the terms "calculated" and/or "insecure"? I'd be willing to bet Gilbert Arenas ten bucks you can't.

It's been like this in the NBA ever since the early 80's when Magic and Bird "revived" the fledging league. Basketball was without a doubt punk rock in the 70's, dominated by eccentric badasses like Julius Erving, Willis Reed, Earl "The Pearl" Monroe, Bill Walton and Artis Gilmore. But off-court discretions and on-court masturbational (sic?) play detached much of America. Nowadays, if pro football is rock-and-roll (you can say you don't love it, but saying you hate it means you hate America) and pro baseball is pop music (beloved by all, to different extents, whether you want to admit it or not), then pro basketball is jazz music, the semi-marginal sport everyone can respect but a select few obsess over.

But the athletes themselves inherit a certain level of disdain, no matter how immaculate and non-punk rock their actual persona may be. Lebron James' recent "shoe controversy" just alludes to his spiritual inheritance of the Michael Jordan propensity to sacrifice individuality for corporate image. This isn't necessarily a bad thing or even really a judgment on Lebron's character as a person. But it does mean he's not punk rock.

There are very few NBA stars in the last quarter century who are or were truly punk rock, most notable among them: Charles Barkley, Allen Iverson, Shaquille O'Neal, Charles Oakley, Xavier McDaniel and Dennis Rodman. They did things the way they felt like doing things and that's an admirable quality in an otherwise contrived society.

Which brings us back to Dwyane Wade.

Dwyane Wade does several commercials. But Dwyane Wade does those commercials with a sense of caustic detachment, as if to tell the consumer "Yep, I'm schilling myself for this product, but I actually use it, and I couldn't care less if you do now too just because I suggested you should."

Dwyane Wade also comes off as something of a dork. In a genuine way.

If Wade leads the Heat to the title again this year with his injured shoulder (and by all means, he probably should have had surgery performed on it by now); and if Wade performs this task with the same disengagement he affords to his commercial acting; then Dwyane Wade could possibly be punk rock.

The jury's out, as they say.

The Clevelander (No, not the sandwich)

Lots of things to be excited about as a Cleveland sports fan. The Cavaliers currently hold the #2 seed in the East playoffs, the Indians' season is about to start, the Buckeyes made the Final Four, and the Browns are still in town.

As long as Lebron James is wearing #23 for the Cavs, simply clinching a playoff spot should be expected. Unless Kevin McHale takes over as GM, Cleveland fans should enjoy the excitement of the NBA playoffs for years to come. Ever since Larry Hughes took over at the point guard position and Sasha Pavlovic decided to play defense and earn more playing time, this team has been playing like a true contender. However, this team still has room for improvement. They still need to show more consistency. They seem to fall into a rut during games where everyone stands around and waits for someone to shoot a jump shot. This isn't going to get it done against the Pistons, Bulls, or Heat. If the playoffs started today the Cavs would host the Orlando Magic in the first round of the playoffs. Despite having Dwight Howard this team has free fallen over the last few months. If the Cavs allow the Bulls to catch them, they'll drop from the #2 seed all the way to #5. At number 5, they'd lose their home court advantage and (as of today) face the Toronto Raptors. The Cavs would still be favored to win, but Toronto is a better team than Orlando and I'd rather see the games being played at the 'Q' instead of in Canada. With only a game and a half separating the Cavs and Bulls, the end of the season will be exciting. Lebron has already begun picking up his game, hopefully his teammates are able to improve theirs as well.

Next door to the Q the Indians' season is about to get started and the team has some promise this year. The bullpen was a big problem for the team last year and was improved this offseason by picking up Joe Borowski from the Cubs and journeyman Roberto Hernandez. We also get to see Andy Marte and Josh Barfield move into starting roles in the infield for the team and there are high expectations for both. Once Cliff Lee comes back from his injury the starting lineup will be strong with Cliff, C.C. Sabathia, and Jake Westbrook at the top of the rotation. Enjoy C.C. while you still can, his contract with the Tribe is up after 2008 and it'll be very expensive to sign him. He's a young, huge, lefty with a power arm. Those guys usually price themselves out of the Indian's budget when they hit the open market. This is a team that has the talent to battle for a playoff spot in a suddenly very good Central Division. These obviously aren't the same Sox, Twins, and Tigers from the days when the Indians dominated the division year after year.

Another local team with postseason success is the Buckeyes. They'll be facing Georgetown in the Final Four after surviving several excruciatingly close games. Greg Oden will be the centerpiece of a team that has really matured throughout the tournament. He'll be facing Roy Hibbert in one of the best matchups of March so far. Mike Conley, Jr. has been extremely impressive. He was almost an after-thought before the season when he came to Ohio with Oden. Point guard play is extremely important, especially in the tournament. Conley was extremely clutch in the overtime win over Xavier and has only grown from there. He can penetrate, distribute, and shoot the ball like an upper classman. After Oden, Mike Conley will play a huge part if the team is able to beat the Hoyas. I'd personally love to see a rematch with Florida after the embarrassment they laid on OSU at the National Championship game. A win for the NCAA title would be sweet revenge.

That was the good news. Now for the Cleveland Browns. If one of the other Cleveland teams were losing this consistently they'd be almost forgotten. However, this is the Browns. Cleveland lives and dies by this team and right now fans are showing that you can die more than once. First lets go over the holes this team has. Despite bringing Eric Steinbach and Seth McKinney aboard, the offensive line still could use an upgrade. Kellen Winslow just had microfracture surgery which is a very risky operation. The running backs are a past-his-prime Jamal Lewis and a handful of nobodies. Neither Charlie Frye nor Derek Anderson are starting caliber quarterbacks. The defensive line added Shaun Smith and Robaire Smith, but the defensive line is still very weak. The secondary lost Brian Russell and Gary Baxter can't seem to stay healthy. The linebacker core may be the best group on the team with Andra Davis, D'Qwell Jackson, Leon Williams, Kamerion Wimbley, Willie McGinest, and Antwan Peek. This is a huge draft for the Browns. Hopefully they won't be picking in the top 3 again for a long time. There are rumors that they could trade up for Jamarcus Russell or Brady Quinn, or stand pat for Adrian Peterson or Joe Thomas. Whatever they decide to do they'd better make a good decision. This town can't handle anymore miserable high picks like they did in the past. This offseason could either be the turning point or the starting over (again) point for this team.

With all of the excitement over the local teams right now, I almost forgot to mention the biggest event to hit Cleveland in years. The women's NCAA Final Four is in town!! Let's kick out the Cavs for a five game road trip while they're in the middle of a playoff chase so some miserable basketball can be played at Quicken Loans Arena. Does anyone other than the players' families watch these games in person? While accidentally putting one of these games on my t.v. while waiting for Sports Center to come on, I couldn't help but notice that the arenas are basically empty except for a few rows of seats at mid-court on either side. The sides of the arenas behind the hoops are totally empty. Why play these games in an NBA arena when a small high school gym would be perfectly suitable? If Dallas Lauderdale, 3 of my friends, and I can beat the national champion, why would I spend the time to watch?

Washington D.C. Sports Report

Things haven't started off too smoothly for the new ownership group of the Washington Nationals. Ticket sales are slowed down in general, including season ticket sales, and many season ticket holders are complaining about slow deliveries of their ticket packages (some are even concerned they won't get their tickets before opening day). Team President Stan Kasten has said he's determined to have the final season opener at RFK be a sell-out, but it looks like it won't even be close.

It's no secret that RFK sucks and this Nats team sucks even worse. Could anyone outside the D.C. area name five guys on this team? Could anyone in the D.C. area name five guys on this team? It's not an easy sell for these guys, trying to pass off a team rebuilding on a city that has no choice but to feel like a bandwagon fan (these things happen when a team is dumped on you after 35 years without baseball in your city). 2007 has the obvious feel of a placeholder year for the Nats before moving into their new stadium in 2008 and maybe then building a respectable team.

Last night, Sidney Crosby and the Penguins symbolically skated into town and put a fitting epitaph on the '06/'07 season for the Washington Capitals, with a 4-2 win. In the 8th battle between the potential Bird-and-Magic of the NHL, Crosby came up with a memorable behind-the-net goal in the 2nd period, and added an assist to increase his NHL scoring lead. Alex Ovechkin, meanwhile, came up with an early assist but was otherwise held in check, further frustrated by the lackadaisical efforts of his teammates.

There's no question the Penguins are doing a much better job building around Crosby than the Capitals are doing building around Ovechkin. With the win, the Pens clinched their first playoff berth since 2001. Washington, meanwhile, is mired with the second worst record in the Eastern Conference and will miss the playoffs for the third straight season. Similar to Lebron in Cleveland or Johan Santana in Minnesota, fans have to wonder how long Ovechkin will be willing to put up with subpar teammates, subpar coaching and subpar ownership/general management.

By the way, in eight meetings since they both joined the league, Crosby's Penguins have beaten Ovechkin's Capitals seven times. Not quite Magic-and-Bird yet.

After losing four out of the five games on their West Coast swing, the Washington Wizards have now fallen behind the surging Miami Heat in the Southeast standings, and have tumbled from the East's 3-seed to the East's 6-seed. They hope to get things back on track tonight with a home game against the Philadelphia 76ers, as the oft-injured Caron Butler is expected to return from a left knee contusion.

Gilbert Arenas played pretty well on the road trip, all things considered, but his blog on nba.com has been suspiciously quiet ever since his "talking to" from the league for making a $10 bet with a Portland fan during the game. Could it be that an athlete's online blog is being compromised by the very company that employs him and hosts his blog on their website? Who would've thunk it.

Unfortunately for the Wizards, they're only the second most beloved basketball team in town right now, as the Georgetown Hoyas prepare for Saturday's Final 4 match-up with Ohio State. The team, coached by John Thompson's son and featuring Patrick Ewing's son off the bench, has tapped back into the college hoops soul of the nation's capitol, similar to Maryland's Final 4 runs in 2001 and 2002.

One statistic Georgetown has going for them: no Big East team has ever lost a national semifinals game against a non-Big East team. Georgetown is the 13th Big East team to reach the Final 4, and 9 of those 13 teams won their semifinal game against teams from another conference. The only time a Big East team has lost in this round of the tournament is when facing another Big East team (Georgetown beat St. John's in '85 and Syracuse beat Providence in '87).

And finally, the Washington Redskins are looking to add yet another overpaid linebacker to the team, as they continue trade talks with the Chicago Bears for the disgruntled Lance Briggs. If the trade goes through, the Redskins will give up their #6 overall draft pick in exchange for the Bears' #31 overall pick. Keep in mind they've already traded away their 2nd, 3rd and 4th round picks. It's as if Dan Snyder and Joe Gibbs know they only have a couple years left to live and couldn't care less about the franchise's future. There's probably a good joke in there somewhere, but the reality is enough of a joke.

Broken Tackle's Weekend Wrap-up

Georgetown is in the Final 4, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is #1 at the box-office and a Korn MTV Unplugged album is climbing the Billboard charts. What kind of cultural fucking time warp are we stuck in right now?

With that in mind...

1) Billy Donovan is an idiot if he accepts the Kentucky job. This would not be upward mobility, this would be lateral. Yes, his entire starting 5 will be wearing NBA jerseys next year and yes, Gainesville, Florida is a hick town. But why would leave one high-profile job (where they treat you like a god) to start over at an equal but much more stressful and much more scrutinized high-profile job (where they'll treat you like an asshole)?

Why do head coaches do things like this? Is there something inherent in the personality of a head coach that he's always looking ahead to the next job, even if it isn't a better one? They act like the sleazy guy who takes his girlfriend to the bar and checks out every whore in the place, no matter where they stand on the [fugly --> delicious] scale. It doesn't matter if it's better or worse, it just matters if it's different.


2) The story about comedian/actor/race car connoisseur Eddie Griffin is a classic. First of all, the story is accompanied by a photo of Griffin just standing next to the wrecked vehicle with a goofy look on his face, as if this is just a normal happening. No remorse, no shame, just "Oh hey, destroyed a rare Ferrari worth $1.5 million today. Need a snapshot? No problem. Can you get a good look at the wreckage from this angle?"

But even better is the quote from the car's owner, Daniel Sadek.

"I'm glad Eddie came out of the crash OK, but my dream car got destroyed," Sadek said. "I went to my trailer for about 15 minutes and I thought, there's people dying every day. A lot of worse things are happening in the world."

Yeah, dude, I went through the same thing when someone stole my video iPod from the gym a few weeks ago. Somewhere in China, a starving child appreciates your empathy.

Waaaaahhhhh, the black guy from Deuce Bigalow destroyed my Ferrari. Waaaaaaaaahhh!


3) Rasheed Wallace. Not only makes one of the greatest shots I've ever seen in a basketball game. But afterwards, acts like he does it all the time. Jumanji!

Zach Randolph: Livin' the Dream

Zach Randolph is going to grieve the way Zach Randolph wants to grieve.

How do you mourn the lost of a loved one? You don't sit shivah at a strip club? Well that's your thing. That's not Zach Randolph's thing.

Maybe you always pay your tab after leaving the titty bar. But not Zach Randolph. Zach Randolph knows that the club owner will just hold the tab over for the next time he visits. Zach Randolph doesn't need to be bothered with paying his tabs when he's in mourning.

Zach Randolph also throws some great sex show parties.

If you're a mouthy bitch who doesn't enjoy Zach Randolph's sex party, then you never should have shown up to Zach Randolph's sex party in the first place.

When Zach Randolph is putting it in your ass, then you better just relax and take it in your ass.

Nate McMillan understands Zach Randolph's needs.

"He felt he needed to go," said McMillan. "It's a death in the family ... you get a feel for what you need to do."

What you need to do. Fuckin' A, Nate. Fuckin' A.

Zach Randolph. Livin' the dream.

This Week in Douchebaggery: Coast-to-Coast

SACRAMENTO -- Ron Artest will be arraigned on Thursday, meaning he'll plead Guilty or Not Guilty to charges of beating the shit out of his wife. Perhaps this distracted him last night as the Kings blew a 7-point 4th Quarter lead and lost at home to the Timberwolves, but he has been playing better since the incident. This is the fifth time now that police have been called out to his Sacramento home due to a "spousal dispute" (who knows how many teams a "spousal dispute" didn't lead to a 9-1-1 call), not to mention the Sacramento police taking away Ron Artest's dog due to negligence.

When asked how he's handling the situation at home, Artest responded "Once the schedule clears up, I'll be able to do things." The "schedule" he's referring to is the Sacramento Kings, battling to make up ground on the Clippers and Warriors for the final playoff spot in the West (or, in other words, they're 3 games back from the opportunity to get swept by the Mavericks).

So what do we know about Ron Artest? He beats his wife. He hates dogs. He's willing to take time off from his professional career to work on producing a rap album, but he's not willing to take time off to try and piece together the shattered remnants of his broken family.

Ron Artest, King of the Douchebags.


TUCSON -- Kerry Wood and Mark Prior will start the season on the DL again. Yes, I know, sorry if you spit out your coffee reading that tidbit.

When was the last time both these guys were healthy? Let's play a little game, was it before or after?:

1) The Red Sox and/or White Sox ended their drought
2) We invaded Iraq the first time
3) We invaded Iraq the second time
4) Tinker, Evers and Chance were the Cubs infield
5) Lincoln was shot
6) Dinosaurs roamed the Earth (trick question if you're Carl Everett)

Cubs fans and management will be in denial, saying that Prior and Wood are merely luxuries at this point on a talented team. But it's time they let go of these douchebags and move on with life.


WEST PALM BEACH -- Tony LaRussa might be a genius at utilizing the double-switch, but he's a moron when it comes to driving buzzed.

LaRussa fell asleep at a stoplight in his SUV, leaving the vehicle in drive, but luckily falling asleep with his foot on the brake. When the cops questioned him, he blew a 0.093 on the breathalizer. 0.093? What a pussy. What is that, like a six-pack of Zima? I know guys who can drink five times that and still be coherent enough to drive home safe and sound. Hell, Billy Martin led the Yankees to the '77 pennant with an average BAC of 0.25 at any point during the season.

Regardless, it's always good to see a self-aggrandizing douchebag like Tony LaRussa get into trouble.

In a related story, Khalif Barnes thinks the KKK slipped something in LaRussa's drink.