Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Sucks to Be Rutgers

I don't know much about women's college basketball (I know who Pat Summitt is, I know that lesbian coach got fired from LSU, I know Tennessee, Connecticut and Duke seem to always win the title and I know the Vols just beat Rutgers 59-46 to win this year's title. If I learned anything new, it would probably push one of those old pieces of information out).

I also don't know much about Rutgers athletics.

But I just learned that Rutgers University athletics, the athletic program that is credited as inventing modern college football, has won an NCAA title once in any sport in its history. That was a fencing title. In 1949. And they shared the title. With Army.

The school no longer participates in collegiate fencing. They do, however, currently participate in football, baseball, basketball, field hockey, golf, gymnastics, lacrosse, soccer, softball, tennis, track and field, swimming, wrestling, volleyball, and that sport from that movie with Arnold and the guy from Family Feud.

Ok, I made that last one up.

But you get the point. All those sports and only one title ever. Sucks to be Rutgers.

Maybe it's because of the nickname. Scarlet Knights? What do you think of when you think of scarlet? Scarlet Letter, Scarlet fever, Scarlet O'Hara. (Also Scarlet Johanssen, but that's just distracting). Doesn't really instill much fear, does it?

So as a public service to Rutgers, and any other university with a "faggy" (as Billy Packer would put it) nickname and mascot, we offer the following potential nicknames to anyone looking to really engender dread in their future opponents:

Rebels Without a Cause
Rock Eaters
Hell's Angels
Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles
Drunken Pacman Joneses
Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Penguin Rapers
Chompin' T. Rexes
Jerry Porter's Dogs
Satan's Army
Horny Walruses
Midget Tossers
Killer Shark Attack
Manson Family
Wife Beaters
Coked-up Grizzly Bears
Friends of John Amaechi (note: only works if your opponent is Tim Hardaway)
Ghost Pirates
Dirty Sanchezes
Cincinnati Bengals
Totally Fucking Badass Motherfuckers
Michael Jackson's Predators


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